Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
