You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
