when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
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