I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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