I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
