Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
