I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
