you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
