there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
