i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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