We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
