My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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