I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
