You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
