I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
