she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
