sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
