If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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