They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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