I cannot find my penis.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
