So drunk its hurt
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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