Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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