Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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