Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
