wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
