Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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