I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
