Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
