i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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