It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
