anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We're too hungover to prance.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Damn victory sex feels great
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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