He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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