I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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