Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
