I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
