I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
