U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
