I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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