Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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