I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
