Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
