I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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