The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just cropdusted the office
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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