I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
