hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
