wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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