If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
