Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
