batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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