i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
